A New Journey; Homage to Jill Scott

‘When I wake up
Everything I went thru will be beautiful’…
But until then it seems this nightmare stretches on
Each day of beauty that greets me
Somehow doesn’t feel real
How is it that when I wake up from a dream it feels like I’m leaving reality
Where is my gravity
I hear today that 1 negative blow
Is 16 times more powerful than a positive stroke
Meditating on what the effects of 5 years of negative strokes must be…?
What kind of heart must I have?
What kind of spirit?
Maybe I’m the David Goggins of heart toughness
And still I’m expectant of an extraordinary love
Getting more grounded in reality
And leaving romanticism to the movie screen
Examining pieces of me
Shutting the external world down
Because right now
There’s a little girl inside
Crying her eyes out
Needing a hug
Needing the warmth and sweetness of my love
The kind of love that makes you feel secure
Safe
Loved
Surrounded
Strong
Dam the practicalities
She’s in a fight for her life
There’s a fork in the road up ahead
She can decide to turn off her humanity and live a life where she won’t ever expose herself to the possibility of hurt
Or
She can push thru this
And come out stronger
Wiser, faster
As she’ll know her pitfalls, her missteps
Better than anyone else
She will face her greatest fear head on
Turning inward to face herself
Face her loneliness
Face her ugliness and insecurity
Will she beat it down
Love it away?
Or just sit in it?
I do not know
Because I’ve always had a convenient distraction
Preventing me from needing to face that uncomfortable place
Yet and still
Somehow that demon showed her face
Kicking and screaming for recognition
Feeling the ground shake beneath my feet
Frantic always
Waiting for this to be the look, the act, the sign
That he discovered who I am
And would walk away
Always feeling devalued
Always placing trust in someone else to tell me who I am
Instead of knowing it for myself
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop
Even with God
I’ve done so much wrong
How could She possibly still love me?
Look out for me?
And if I have doubts about my Creator’s ability to accept me
How could I possibly expect a divine love here on earth
In the flesh
Where the women outnumber the men
And I attract the very men that don’t appreciate this heart of a woman
Equal parts of vinegar and spice
I couldn’t attract a “good man”
Because I myself wasn’t right
To get right
Is the journey I’m seeking to take
But this path feels unreal
Like I’m walking a dream
I feel like crying with every step
Just want to be silent
I hold my breath
Waiting for pain to return
But I’m increasing the pace of my steps
Don’t want to feel it
But it’s familiar
So it pulls at my depths
Don’t let this smile fool you
This woman is fighting for her life
The little girl inside is screaming for safety in the familiar
But the lady in me
Just knows she no longer wants to live here
Not sure what’s next
Can’t hardly see my foot to take my next steps
But I just know I’m moving forward
And not going back

 

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