To The Other Woman

Dear Other Woman,

I am writing to you in hopes to dispel some misconceptions that may live in your mind, that are comforting your conscience when it tries to remind you of what you need to see. I know you have likely experienced a parade of bad interactions and relationships with men. Men who have lied, cheated, maybe even been abusive, and all you did was want to be loved. They hurt you, and so you’ve resolved that having half a man is sufficient now because you’d rather be with a man who wants you so much, that he’s willing to step out on his woman or wife just to be with you. The passion, the intimacy, it’s invigorating! And there’s something about the secrecy that elevates the fire even more.

I’m here to remind you of what you don’t recognize, what you try hard to convince yourself is not true. He may hold you in his arms and tell you how his woman is crazy, or just doesn’t pay attention to him, or give him what you give him. He may even tell you he loves you.

What he doesn’t tell you is that his woman/wife has a smile that breaks down walls inside of him. That woman has sister friends that she gets together with and they lift each other up through hard times, and they laugh together over wine. That woman has birthdays each year, celebrates holidays, has family. That woman has lived years of life and has been shaped by those years. That woman has all of the self doubts and has to beat back imposter syndrome, just like you. She wins in life, and she loses some too. And at some point, this same man who paints a gray picture of this woman, loved her deeply. He loved the way she laughs, he wanted to study her and her interests. He planned life with her, they shared time and moments together. He lays his head next to hers each night, not yours. And regardless of the “but they don’t” or “but he doesn’ts” that may come to mind, whatever is between the two of you, is not deep or powerful enough to cause him to leave her.

So what do you really have? And what are you really doing? Do you want to create the pain that you have felt for another woman? A woman who cries, laughs, and bleeds just like you? Do you not think yourself worthy of having a full man? Someone who believes you alone are enough for him?

Put yourself in the shoes of that woman. The one he demonizes in order to help justify in your mind what you already know is wrong. Imagine yourself in relationship or in a marriage, and think about a woman who knows about you but chooses to engage with the man you love. What would you think of this woman?

Ultimately, yes, the problem lies between this man and his woman. And they will sink or swim based on their ability to navigate the turbulence of their relationship. However, their fate should play out without interference, without an escape hatch. You, are an escape hatch. A temporary escape from facing the challenges at home. You are engaging with a weak man, who runs from challenges instead of facing them. Don’t be his escape hatch. Be a lady. And show the respect you’d want another woman to show you if the tables were turned.


A Lady

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